SCIFI.COM | Farscape: Journey Logs

On our latest trip to a Commerce Planet, Chiana bought a bunch of game blobs; squish one to bare flesh, launch a virtual-reality world. She was sampling them as I flew us home in a Transport Pod. Then, just as D'Argo commed to say there was trouble on Moya, Chi squeezed a must-see blob against my hand.

The game was a bad flashback: Gammak Base. Gilina. Scorpius. Then, almost instantly, the program zapped us to a higher level: Swords. Armor. An ivory tower with a blonde Aeryn held captive up top. And, oh yeah — a falling television hitting me on the head.... Huh?

I was confused, hurting and ready to leave. We demanded the exit. Instead, a simulated Stark showed up, calling himself the game's avatar.

Incredibly, this game was based on my memories. When the other Crichton, my twinned self, was dying, Stark mystically eased his passage, absorbing that Crichton's memories in the process. After Stark left to search for his dead, beloved Zhaan, he apparently sold his — and my — memories to a game designer named Yoti. And Yoti turned Stark's neural template into Super Mario Crichton.

Stark gave us two ways out: First, win the game by kissing "a princess fair, by ugliness enslaved"; or, second, find and open a green door. He also gave us three voucher pearls to squeeze if we needed more hints.

Kissing princesses is risky, plus we needed out ASAP; our real bodies were helpless in the unpiloted pod, and Moya was in trouble. Looking for green doors, we met a big, ugly blue guy who claimed to be Zhaan. My memories of this part are kinda hazy — Pip won't say why — but, after Bizarro Zhaan freaked out about a fearsome ogre, he split.

Back to our quest. One Hynerian Black Knight and one pearl voucher later, we ran into D'Argo, who was dressed like the Swiss Miss and holding Jool and another Chiana in a cage. (Totally Yoti's invention, by the way. I have my fantasies; D'Argo in lederhosen ain't one of them.) There was also a green door. I opened it, woke up on the pod, and commed D'Argo, who reported that Scorpius was loose, Sikozu was missing, and a Command Carrier was on the way. Yet another wonderful day in my life.

Chiana was still in the game's trance. I tried to pull her outta Never-Neverland, but accidentally touched the game blob and got sucked back to D'Argo's gingerbread house. There, my Chiana was missing. I burned another pearl voucher asking Stark where she'd gone. He sent me to an elevator.

On the way up, I had a chat with Crichton Headroom and slew a few monsters. Curiouser and curiouser. In the tower's penthouse was Aeryn herself, with a white dress, blonde hair, and a Southern accent scarier than her butler: Scorpius in a Pinocchio outfit.

Then her boyfriend, The Ogre, arrived: It was Crais, complete with horns. Before things got violent, Chiana ran in and we skipped out a green door, returned to the pod, and raced back to Moya.

There, Scorpius was taking over the minds of our crewmates. He had already enslaved Pilot and Aeryn. If we killed Scorpy, his neural links with our friends would kill them, too. Chiana avoided capture, but Aeryn locked me into one of Moya's cells.

Once I was alone, Chiana brought me the game blob so we could speak privately. If I could force Scorpius to enter the game's trance, she said, the people under his control would be helpless. Chi could tie 'em up and we'd be back on top.

Unfortunately, Scorpy got his hand around my neck before I could activate the blob. The game sucked him in, but, back on Moya, he was still choking me. I figured I was toast, but then Aeryn dragged my hand off the game. Free of Scorpy's clutches, we ran. Except Aeryn suddenly seemed too eager to be with me. She even professed her undying love for me....

Sad to say, that's what tipped me off. Finding the third pearl voucher in my pocket only proved it: Chiana and I had never left the game. Our bodies were still stuck on a speeding Transport Pod with no one in the driver's seat; our minds were still stuck in Stark's world. If green doors didn't work, that left us one option.

Chiana and I set out to kiss ourselves a princess.