SCIFI.COM | Farscape: Journey Logs

Commander John Crichton, leaving a message after the beep.

Pilot, you're not gonna believe this. Hell, I don't believe it. Or, rather, a year ago, I wouldn't have believed it. Now, after everything I've been through, I pretty much believe anything.

Which is not to say that I was suckered for a minute. I mean, I believed it was happening, I just didn't believe it was ... happening.

Sorry I'm not making more sense, Pilot. But this particular acid trip kinda defies coherent explanation.

First, I woke up. Only I was on Earth, back home, in a hospital, and there was Dad and D.K., talking about what a shame it was the Farscape experiment hadn't worked, and asking me if I was okay after my "accident."

Pretty redundant for the Ancients, right? I mean, I've been through this before; I'm a pro at spotting what they'd call "manipulated realities." So I nodded and smiled at Dad and D.K., got up from my hospital bed, and strolled to the first ladies' room I could find. "Haven't been in here before," remember? I figured I'd step through the door and click my heels together, and I'd be back in Kansas. In other words, on Moya. Whatever — stay with me here.

I gotta say I was a little surprised when the door opened onto an actual bathroom. And, by the way, for posterity, ladies' rooms don't have those couches and those gold sinks like you see in movies. I don't know what everyone gets so excited about, and I'm even more confused now about the fact that women seem to like to go in fleets. There wasn't even an armchair. But I am definitely digressing.

Fine, maybe it wasn't the Ancients this time. But it was definitely something; there was no way in hell I was really back on Earth. Especially when the Scarecrow and the Tin Man and the rest of you all started to show up.

I mentioned the doctor, right? Aeryn? Well, not really Aeryn. But in the hospital I had this doctor who looked a hell of a lot like her, except she had better hair. And she introduced herself as Bettina Fairchild. Claimed I was wounded in an accident during the test of the Farscape module and I'd been out for a week. I try to call her bluff, see if maybe she's really Aeryn trapped in this lab maze with me, and she decides I'm nuts and sends me to a shrink to get shrunk.

A blue shrink, Pilot. That's right; Zhaan. But of course it's not Zhaan. And the daredevil astronaut they introduce me to is D'Argo, but of course it's not D'Argo. And the stubby little cigar-chewing CEO isn't really Rygel, either.

So I'm running around Earth, looking for a way out, and instead I end up in a bar listening to none other but Scorpy and the Scorpytones with you, Pilot, rocking out on the bongos, or something. I chill out, have a drink, and who do you think pulls up a bar stool next to me? Scorpius. The real one, this time. At least, he says he is. He disappears before he can tell me much more, but he shows up again later, when I'm back in the hospital ... which is another story I won't even bother explaining.

Point is, Scorpy's the only one who seems to get the fact that none of this is real, but for all I know he could just be a more complex brand of trick. I mean, everyone keeps asking me when I'm going to attempt the Farscape experiment again — it's not too much of a stretch to think that Scorpy might've brought me here so he could have front-row seats at a wormhole opening.

He denies it, though. He says he's here to help me. He tells me I'm in a constructed reality — like, duh — but it's not the Ancients who are behind it. Scorpy tells me I'm the prisoner of a Scarran, who plans to kill me unless I take Scorpius' advice on how to beat him.

That, or I could just spend the rest of my life in Fantasy Land, joyriding with D'Argo and Chiana in their convertible, pretending this was really Earth.

But with Scorpius as my only possible link to Moya and reality, what choice do I have? It's not like I'm keen on believing Scorpius, but it's that, death-by-Scarran, or infinite repeats of Crichton in Wonderland.

I'm not sure I want to know what's behind door number four....