SCIFI.COM | Farscape: Journey Logs

After Grandma used her funky-dust to turn me into a cliff-diving lemming, I woke up in the ocean. Oo-nii reeled me in and dragged me underwater to his lair, where he began his own obsessive interrogation about the Darnaz Probes. Some rescue.

D'Argo and Sikozu drove him off, then told me I stunk. As in, more than usual. Sikozu recognized the stench as Heppel oil, an aphrodisiac. Grayza apparently possessed a surgically implanted Heppel gland. The oil it secreted induced overwhelming lust, which explained what she'd done to me....

D'Argo had a plan to save us, but I didn't get to hear it. That's because step one involved me providing a diversion by gettin' it on with Grayza, and when she's working her oily mojo I can't keep secrets.

The planet's magnetics were worsening. We'd be dead in 10 arns if we didn't escape. So I returned to Grayza and sucked it up. Wait — not literally. I mean, she — but I didn't — um, moving on now.

Between innings, she made me spill my guts about wormholes, Scarrans, everything. I tried to stay sane by getting under her skin. I mean, not — except — anyway, I told her that she was Scorpy's minion. That I believed he was orchestrating everything. In response, she led me outside and had me dig Scorpy's grave. Yes, literally this time.

Then Braca shot Scorpius. Point-blank. In the back. Sikozu said ol' Scorpy looked dead, and Grayza gave the order to bury him. I've dreamed about this day for years; now that I've seen it with my own eyes, it feels like it's still a dream....

...that turned back into a nightmare. Grayza dragged me back to her love nest. I'm joking about it, but truth is, whatever guys say about there being no such thing as bad sex, there are limits. Heavy-duty, barbed-wire limits. What Grayza did to me was way the hell over that line. That's the last I'm saying. What made it worthwhile is that, while I was with Grayza, Sikozu helped Chiana, Jool and the Old Woman escape.

When D'Argo finally signaled that it was time to go, I was more than ready. I jammed Laka bug guts up my nose just like Grandma taught me. Pow! Freed from Grayza's control, I escaped, only to get pinned down by a Peacekeeper squad. If I'd had Winona, they would've been toast. Unfortunately, Winona had been swiped by Granny, and I was using a pale imitation of my faithful pulse pistol that crapped out after a few shots. Lucky for me, Chiana and her posse were passing my way; Jool tossed me her pulse pistol and we all got the hell out of Dodge.

Our goal was to reach D'Argo's ship. Rygel had persuaded Elack and his Pilot ("Crichton Kicks" and "What Was Lost, Part 1: Sacrifice") to end their lives by crashing into the planet and destroying the Peacekeepers' Marauders, marooning our pursuers while we flew to safety. But Elack left too early and nearly hit us. Rygel got word to Elack in time, and the ancient, dying Leviathan used the last of his energy to delay his impact.

Even so, we barely escaped when the brave ship finally made his kamikaze attack. The explosion destroyed two of the Marauders, but Grayza and her PK G.I. Joes pursued us in the third. D'Argo launched a satellite probe ahead, hoping they'd chase it instead of us. They seemed to take the bait. Then, because D'Argo's ship was seriously banged up, we had to land on Arnessk once more.

Bad news: The planet's magnetics were nearing lethal levels — we could barely walk and we were all looking more faded than a pair of old bluejeans. Grayza might return any moment, but we'd probably already be dead. Our last hope lay in finding the third Darnaz Probe. If we could reactivate all three, maybe we could neutralize the magnetics and restore the planet's original — read "safe" — environment.

Then Oo-nii took a hand (or a flipper) in things: He wanted the powerful probes for himself and the magnetics didn't bother him — a dangerous combo. We were in for a fight, and I didn't have the strength to win by myself.

But I wasn't alone: my amigos had my back. And Arnessk still held more secrets than any of us expected — if only we lived long enough to see them....