SCIFI.COM - Farscape

In the movies, astronauts pack suicide pills for their experimental space missions, for, like, when they're stranded out in the middle of nowhere and would rather be dead. But I can't think of a SINGLE summer blockbuster where the hero gets the good advice I could have used: pack Allegra and a Ventolin inhaler.

Let me back up. Zhaan - like all Delvians - is a plant. That's right; you heard it here first, folks. A root of some sort, maybe, or a tuber; at least, I imagine she'd look a little like a blue turnip if you cut her open.

So this at least helps explain the photogasms - Zhaan has these incredibly, um, arousing experiences when she's exposed to light. Who'd have thought being a plant would be fun?

But not ALL fun, 'cause it turns out that when Delvians go for a long time without food they start to BUD. When Moya went low on rations, Zhaan turned into a real-life Chia-head with little pussywillowlike nubs [ ZHAAN ]

poking out of her face, and the rest of us got stuck sneezing our brains out and praying for Ben Stein to show up with eyedrops.

When I was little I used to hang out with this kid Angelo who was allergic to everything - ragweed, pollen, cats (the animal and the Now-And-Forever musical) - man, I'd hate to see him in the same room as a budding Delvian without Kleenex.

Actually, I'm surprised I haven't been allergic to more strange unknown irritants out here, and thankfully, Zhaan's blossoming cycle can be reversed by feeding the Delvian meat.

If I ever get back home, I will definitely think twice about spraying weed-killer on Venus Flytraps, that's for sure.