SCIFI.COM - Farscape

Log File 10221

Is this thing on? Testing, one, two, three.

John Crichton, Commander, reporting for Pilot.

Hey, Pilot. Aeryn said you wanted some fill-in-the-blanks for your journey logs, and since I was the one getting the crap kicked out of him for a good portion of this particular adventure, she thought I should be the one to give you the, uh, no pun intended, blow-by-blows.

After the blows that I was a.) gonna have to get married, and b.) gonna have to be a statue for eighty years, I didn't really think it was going to get worse. I'm a frellin' idiot; you think I'd have learned by now -- it can always get worse.

Me, I'm minding my own business, and all of a sudden a flock of Prince Clavor's thugs decide to make Christmas lights out of me. They're zapping me with some really gnarly stun guns, and I'm seriously outnumbered, until Jena, the prince's fiance, shows up and rescues me. Not...that I needed to be rescued. I mean, I'd have gotten my ass out of there eventually, but still, it was a nice gesture. Of course, it turns out she's a Peacekeeper operative and she thinks I'm one too, which is why she bailed me out. And she won't tell me her mission, but that definitely makes it easier on me because she totally buys it when I play into the PK commando role and tell her my "mission" is top secret too. Close call, though.

After she leaves, I go find Clavor and explain to him, gently and maturely, that I'd appreciate it if he'd call off his henchmen and leave me the frell alone. Okay, so I may have slapped him a little bit. But these guys don't understand the subtle art of negotiation.

So now Katralla's mad at me for accusing her brother, who in her eyes is a harmless, dumb, hack. At least she's got the dumb hack part right. I try and explain to her that Clavor and his little Scarran buddy aren't as innocent as she wants to believe, but she doesn't buy it until we look up and see this round, like, Obi-Wan orb floating in front of us. You know, like the thing Luke practiced his lightsaber on? No, Pilot. Of course you don't know. Sorry. Suffice it to say, it was a big, round, shiny, scary thing that started to hiss toxic gas at us.

The room fills up with the toxic gas, and I'm convinced I'm toast again, when Ro-NA, that little green servant chick, appears out of nowhere and helps us out of there.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Sparky...I mean Rygel...has done some sort of Dominar-style kung-fu on the Empress and has gotten her to help evacuate me from the planet so that at the very least I'll live till the wedding. They put me and the green chick on a transport ship which is supposed to take me someplace "safe"...ha!

"Safe" apparently includes Scorpy's right hand jerk, who was in league all along with Ro-NA and brought me up here as a little wedding present for Scorpy. I still can't believe that little green chick sold me out. After I promised her a toaster and everything. You can't trust anybody, Pilot. Take it from me.

But at least I didn't need a bailout this time; I nailed that Lieutenant all by my wily lonesome. Scorpy considers my brain primo merchandise, right? So the Lieutenant knew he couldn't off me, not if he wanted whatever it was Scorpy'd promised him to bring me in alive. So I hold myself hostage and I rock the house. Works every time. When you're dealing with total crackpots, anyway. So bye bye Lieutenant, bye bye green chick, and now it's just me on the ship.

The ship...ahem...which is now firing, on the planetary defense satellites. So they are, of course, firing back. The ship is about an inch from demolished and I'm pretty sure that this is the last hurrah of John Crichton. There's nowhere to go, ship's breaking apart, and I'm about a half a microt from bonkers myself. And then I hear Scorpy talking to me, from inside my brain. I don't know why, but that guy seems to have really crawled into my skull. It's certainly not his winning personality. Scorpy tells me to save my ass, and I'll tell you, I had half a mind not to do it, just to spite him.

That, and the fact that the only way to save myself was to jump out into space.

Out into space, Pilot. You know, where it's colder than Minneapolis in February and harder to breathe than a room full of women in Chanel perfume?

Clock's ticking, ship's falling apart, and I've either got to jump and save myself for Scorpy or stay here and get blown to smithereens.

Man, I am so frelling tired of making all the tough decisions.

Guest Cast

Wayne Pygram..............Scorpius
Matt Day..............Tyno
Tina Bursill..............Novia
Felicity Price..............Princess Katralla
Felix Williamson..............Clavor
Bianca Chiminello..............Jena
Aaron Cash..............Dregon
Thomas Holesgrove..............Cargn
Francesca Buller..............ro-NA
Jonathan Hardy..............Kahaynu
David Franklin..............Lt. Braca

Writer..................David Kemper
Director.................Andrew Prowse & Tony Tilse